Angry

I had some horrible dreams last night. Others may not see them as horrible, but they twisted me and that knot was not soothed until, in my full alertedness... I wept.

My Dreams (abb. version):

1. For some reason a doctor went in to tie my tubes and ended up taking out my entire uterus and ovaries. I was still 22 in the dream- why the HELL would I want that done? I begged the doctor to find a way to fix it but he just walked away.

2. I babysit for the children of the members of my parents house group every Friday while they share community and Bible study. I WOULD DIE FOR THESE CHILDREN. I love them, I adore them, I manage them:) They share the affection in return and I can not imagine my life with out my "Friday Night Kids". In my dream, I showed up one night and there were 3 other babysitters there. They made us split the kids up and split the $$. I was devastated.

Why I Think They Wrecked Me:

1. My womanliness and deep yearning for children lies in my 'female organs'. For someone to take that away unjustly and for no reason devastated me. Kinda like Laurie (who took her own life), my Grandma (who died within 6 weeks of finding she had brain cancer); I remember friends who've given themselves to men, sometimes in desperation to be loved and later felt stripped of their precious 'self' that should only be shared with one person. I mourn my own female relational losses as well as that of women who've been stripped of theirs as well...

2. On a small note, I make a very generous amount of $$ when I babysit those kids and I consider it a blessing in part of my weekly earnings. To loose that would be like losing a second part time job. But on a MUCH MUCH bigger scale, I was terrified of being replaced and losing something I'm so passionate about- the adults (who are like the extended family I never had) and THE KIDS. It made me realize I still have some much deeper issues of the heart from when I stopped working with the dance team I coached. I felt such a deep sense of rejection for such foul and even blatantly untrue reasons, and was stripped of doing something I WAS SO PASSIONATE about with young women I would have done anything for. It brought me back to that twisted time in high school when you were the most popular kid in school and the next day (because of an untrue rumor) everyone hated you. That PIT that so many girls live in- I've been stuck in that and hadn't really been able to figure out why. I've been justified time and time again that how things went down with the team were, literally, unbelievable; that I must have really loved what I did to even stick around as long as I did. I just so desperately want to teach young women that I'm in contact with (the girls in my Impact small group, esp.) that it's NOT ok to give up on someone, to think you can shut someone out rudely and without a 'fair trial'.

I want to refuse to give up on learning how to do this- processing, dreaming, crying, exploring- I want to release the control, really of anything, I seem to try and grasp so tightly. I want to feel the same passion I do for little kids, good friends and family, Ben... and God... to transcend normal relational boundaries.

I want to be ok where I am RIGHT NOW.