Kansas City

This past weekend I road-tripped to Kansas City to see my amazing boyfriend before he heads to the West Coast for the last leg of this tour. It was super. It was amazing. I love him so much. I love doing life with him.
It's so weird to look back on the year thus far. He's been gone for so much of the year, yet I'd never change our lives for a million bucks... ok, I'd love to see him more but this year has been amazing. Hard. Unbelievably hard. But life altering in a way I wouldn't want to change. I've grown. I've ached. I've been in a ball on my bedroom floor wanting nothing more than for whatever I was dealing with at that moment to END.
But my life is richer. Not like 'wealth' rich... like dark chocolate rich. Bitter, deep, sweet, thick... rich.
And for that, I am thankful.

Just Me

I don't think ever I realized how seriously I'm struggling with needing to be good enough, feeling like my lovableness or coolness level has to do with whatever 'cool' thing I'm doing at any given moment. I was the shit in high school when I was President of Student Council and one of the best Poms. I had a bunch of lead roles in musicals in college, and then was admired when I was Cinderella in DIsney World, and even though coming home sucked, I became cool again when I was a Luvabull. But now that I'm not a Luvabull, I must not have any 'worth' because I'm not doing anything other than finishing school.
I was reading my report card from 2nd and 3rd grade last night and the comments that were recurrent said, "Anna interacts with others well, and is well liked by her peers. She is extremely bright and picks things up quickly, but if something doesn't come as quickly as she's used to, she tends to give up easily. She will stop listening mid-direction, thinking she already knows how to do it." Whoa. Wake up call from 1989.
Seriously, though, I wonder how many 'overachievers' feel the same way I do? I realize that I enjoy living by really high standards, but that's not always a good thing. I hurt those I love by expecting too much out of them, and set myself up for disappointment because I can never seem to please anyone, even myself.
Why do I do that? Part of it, I believe, is not a bad thing. I love setting high goals because I know I can reach them and it's extremely fulfilling. But how can I just be happy with today? How can I learn to not judge myself as "successful" based on who I've danced for or how many Disney Princessess I've been?
The hardest part is when I fail (or, in reality, act human), I feel like crap. I think I suck, or I think I'll never be good enough. How silly is that?!?!?! Quite. But I just can't seem to stop doing it.
However, these are all recent insights and my prayer is that my newfound awareness for this 'inner struggle' will allow me to go easy on myself and those around me. I desire to be pleased with each day I'm given, and not always wish for tomorrow. I want to be blessed by my accomplishments, not worried about the next thing I need to achieve. I want to love myself in my own skin rather than feel icky because I don't look like I did when I was a professional dancer. I want to see me the way God sees me, cliche as that may sound.
I just want to be ok with me.

Ways to Love Yourself More

1. Hug a dog. You will realize that the simple act of embracing a different species may give you a new understanding and appreciation for your own.
2. Watch Conan O'Brien. The laughter you will experience will get your endorphins flowing and... "Endorphins make you happy, and happy people just don't go around killing others!" (Guess that movie and you may win a prize.)
3. Make your bed. You'll feel successful, like you achieved something and there is order in your life.
4. Read a book. It will allow your mind to explore itself, and in doing so, you may appreciate yourself more.
5. Kiss. Preferably not a stranger, although... never mind.
6. Hug yourself. Self explainatory.
7. Stand in front of a mirror and point out all of your good features instead of dwelling on those you don't like. This may not do as much for the men, but do it anyway.
8. Do a few pus-ups or sit-ups everyday. You did something for your health, way to go!
9. Ask friends to encourage you at least once a week. We all need a little reminder here or there.
10. Pray. When you respect yourself enough to know you can't do it alone, that is when you can allow God to truly embrace you. And guess what? He made you, so He kinda likes you. And you should therefor like yourself. Haha, cliche but true.

Time to Get Real

I dream of being a wife and mother.
I dream of being involved in my community, serving at my church and being the "Kool-Aid" mom for my kids.
I dream of helping families with their kids, kind of like a real-life, hire-able "Super Nanny".
I dream of getting to dress up in fancy clothes at least once a year for something that requires dressing up in fancy clothes.
I dream of doing a missionary trip with my husband and children (when I get them!).
I dream of having a constant circle of friends who know and love eachother.
I dream of having a "purse dog"... yes, I want a dog I can fit in a purse...
I dream of living with no regrets, just lessons learned from mistakes along the way.
I dream of living a life I'll be proud of...

God, the maker of dreams, the giver of life... dream a little dream for me today, ok?

I guess I do...

As you can tell from my previous post, I can't even get the post to show up under the title. Is there an easier to make links than having to do the whole 'computer language' thing under template's? It's soooo long! There has to be an easier way...

I think I suck at Computer Programming

My Gray Matters

I'm revolting against Xanga. Blog's just look cooler. And they are less stupid. Start commenting, biatches:)