Flashbacks...

- Sitting in the arms of a beloved babysitter crying, emotionally inconsolable, wanting nothing more than my Mommy and knowing she wasn't coming home anytime soon. Did I do something wrong? Why did she leave us? Is her broken heart fixed yet? I just want my mamma...

- Listening to my brother as he was physically "schizophrenic" and uncontrollable. We didn't know how to help him, how to calm his body down, how to focus his mind. We realized he was craving positive physical touch so he would do anything- even get in trouble- to somehow make contact. We realized calm but firm talking and actually hugging, patting his back and stroking his hair worked a million times better than spanking and forceful, firm grasps. In moderation, both helped him more than we could understand. We had to learn. It was hard and required a crazy amount of patience. But it was worth it.

- Getting violently sick. Needing my Mom. She wasn't there. Because of her ass hole Dad. The backlash from HIS actions rippled into MY life and are the cause of some sickening flashbacks. He stole my Mom away from us.

But not forever.
What's done is done.
We chose to move forward.
But what happened will always have "happened".
You can't take that shit back.

Paradigm Shift

I don't know when it happened; I don't know what I did.

I just know that there has been a lack of respect for me within my house from my family. I am picked on. I am told to "Calm down!" when I voice frustration for something someone did to disrespect me. I was forgotten when guests come. My requests are taken lightly, even smirked at, and then forgotten. I am told I'm just being emotional; so what? I stopped getting things "just because" and everything turned into "Birthday/Graduation/Christmas" because by happenstance, they all ended up in the same 9 day period. No one seems to respect or even care that my love language is gifts: I guess I am just simply materialistic, right? People OUTSIDE my family listen to me more than my fam does. Words of thanks because "I feel so loved because you really thought about what to give me/how to serve me/etc." make me want to scream because that's what I'VE been trying to get across all these years.

I am lonely. I have no idea what I want to do with my immediate future; I'm sick of people asking. I have no insurance after January 1st and I have no idea how I'm going to pay for my medications.

I just feel forgotten about and like I can't do anything right.
Yet I know I'm loved. Somewhere inside I know I AM loved. I don't doubt that. I just don't feel it. And I'm sick of people not willing to think, "Huh. Maybe I'm part of that."

I guess I just need to "get over it" right?

Guess what?

I did it.

Wow...

Just a few months ago, I remember writing my this is the beginning of the end of the beginning... if you get that, props to you.
Now, less than 24 hours away form my 23rd birthday and my college graduation, I can't believe how fast time goes by.
What do I have to say to this? I don't know... it's strange. I think of things that I've done... Disney, all of high school, Luvabulls, Impact stuff... and I think to things I'm going to do or are doing- Adrenaline Rush, Impact... hmm...
You know, I definitely know I have amazing things to come. I have dreams and desires of working with kids, of dancing on Broadway, of having an amazing husband (and an amazing wedding to kick it all off), of having twin boys before I'm 29 and then having a little girl about 3 years later. And damn it, I STILL want a bag dog!
I have been realizing that I am so blessed, so lucky, and so loved- God challenges me all the time, and I'm starting to actually love it. I enjoy trying to figure out what and what isn't His voice; I'm learning to see myself the way He does.
So... a toast to the end of the beginning- and now, to start my "life"- whatever that is =)

It has begun...

I don't know how to do the fancy linking thing so y'all will just have to deal with this:
http://www.chicagorush.com/daRoster.asp

Thought of the day...

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
-Lyndon B. Johnson

Countdown

In 4 days...
Ben comes home from a 5 week tour.
In 14 days...
I turn 23 and graduate college.
In 15 days...
Ben and I will have been together for 5 years (minus 9 months), and Ryan comes home from his 5 months in France!
In 23 days...
Duh. Christmas.
In 29 days...
Frickin' New Years Eve on Navy Pier!
In 62 days...
Chicago Rush home opener!

That's all for now.