Flashbacks...

- Sitting in the arms of a beloved babysitter crying, emotionally inconsolable, wanting nothing more than my Mommy and knowing she wasn't coming home anytime soon. Did I do something wrong? Why did she leave us? Is her broken heart fixed yet? I just want my mamma...

- Listening to my brother as he was physically "schizophrenic" and uncontrollable. We didn't know how to help him, how to calm his body down, how to focus his mind. We realized he was craving positive physical touch so he would do anything- even get in trouble- to somehow make contact. We realized calm but firm talking and actually hugging, patting his back and stroking his hair worked a million times better than spanking and forceful, firm grasps. In moderation, both helped him more than we could understand. We had to learn. It was hard and required a crazy amount of patience. But it was worth it.

- Getting violently sick. Needing my Mom. She wasn't there. Because of her ass hole Dad. The backlash from HIS actions rippled into MY life and are the cause of some sickening flashbacks. He stole my Mom away from us.

But not forever.
What's done is done.
We chose to move forward.
But what happened will always have "happened".
You can't take that shit back.

Paradigm Shift

I don't know when it happened; I don't know what I did.

I just know that there has been a lack of respect for me within my house from my family. I am picked on. I am told to "Calm down!" when I voice frustration for something someone did to disrespect me. I was forgotten when guests come. My requests are taken lightly, even smirked at, and then forgotten. I am told I'm just being emotional; so what? I stopped getting things "just because" and everything turned into "Birthday/Graduation/Christmas" because by happenstance, they all ended up in the same 9 day period. No one seems to respect or even care that my love language is gifts: I guess I am just simply materialistic, right? People OUTSIDE my family listen to me more than my fam does. Words of thanks because "I feel so loved because you really thought about what to give me/how to serve me/etc." make me want to scream because that's what I'VE been trying to get across all these years.

I am lonely. I have no idea what I want to do with my immediate future; I'm sick of people asking. I have no insurance after January 1st and I have no idea how I'm going to pay for my medications.

I just feel forgotten about and like I can't do anything right.
Yet I know I'm loved. Somewhere inside I know I AM loved. I don't doubt that. I just don't feel it. And I'm sick of people not willing to think, "Huh. Maybe I'm part of that."

I guess I just need to "get over it" right?

Guess what?

I did it.

Wow...

Just a few months ago, I remember writing my this is the beginning of the end of the beginning... if you get that, props to you.
Now, less than 24 hours away form my 23rd birthday and my college graduation, I can't believe how fast time goes by.
What do I have to say to this? I don't know... it's strange. I think of things that I've done... Disney, all of high school, Luvabulls, Impact stuff... and I think to things I'm going to do or are doing- Adrenaline Rush, Impact... hmm...
You know, I definitely know I have amazing things to come. I have dreams and desires of working with kids, of dancing on Broadway, of having an amazing husband (and an amazing wedding to kick it all off), of having twin boys before I'm 29 and then having a little girl about 3 years later. And damn it, I STILL want a bag dog!
I have been realizing that I am so blessed, so lucky, and so loved- God challenges me all the time, and I'm starting to actually love it. I enjoy trying to figure out what and what isn't His voice; I'm learning to see myself the way He does.
So... a toast to the end of the beginning- and now, to start my "life"- whatever that is =)

It has begun...

I don't know how to do the fancy linking thing so y'all will just have to deal with this:
http://www.chicagorush.com/daRoster.asp

Thought of the day...

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
-Lyndon B. Johnson

Countdown

In 4 days...
Ben comes home from a 5 week tour.
In 14 days...
I turn 23 and graduate college.
In 15 days...
Ben and I will have been together for 5 years (minus 9 months), and Ryan comes home from his 5 months in France!
In 23 days...
Duh. Christmas.
In 29 days...
Frickin' New Years Eve on Navy Pier!
In 62 days...
Chicago Rush home opener!

That's all for now.

This one's for the girls... (and guys)...

This I love about my friends:
1. I love the way K*Jacks always listens to my rambling and actually takes my advice in return.
2. I love how Craig seems to ALWAYS understand. I love his faithfulness.
3. Carrie, after all these years, still cares about me, and I about her.
4. Meghan Mc still, to this day, fills me in on what I don't know about such and such. She never fails to call when I so need to hear from her.
5. Drew constantly reminds me there are good people out there who are just as confused as I am. He helps me remember it's ok to not know it all.
6. Liz is the foundation for every friendship I've ever had. Only God would let me be so lucky to have a literal friend for life.
7. Ryan is the best little brother anyone could ask for. I love pissing our parents off together.
8. Michelle is my second half that thinks like me, acts like me, and reminds me that I'm worth having good friends.
9. Jenna is my Princess Bestest. Who knew I'd be friends with Cinderella, Belle, Ariel, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty all at once?
10. Corey gererally is just frickin' hilarious. I live vicariously through her and all of her travels.
11. The Disney boys were my body guards; I'd not have survived Florida and P.I. with out them.
12. Jen Gats was there for me when no one else was. I don't know that I'll ever be able to repay her for that.
13. My small group babies are sometimes the only thing that reminds me I have a bigger purpose in life. They show love with the innocence only youth can share.
14. Rachel and Kristin will always be Things 2 and 3; they are the only reason I survived Luvabulls... and then we ALL quit!
15. Lauren and Leslie are the sisters I can't wait to finally have officially. They kept me sain as I learned about the good, the bad and the confusing of the Greeno's.
16. Brett, Kyle and Keith are three of the funniest people I know. Always make me laugh, and I know they genuinely care about me, as I do about them.
17. Jen and Tiff are the original Algonquin friends. I have loved growing up with them, and their compassion towards me and the people they encounter daily is inspiring.
18. Sarah B.- Princess in Crime. No matter where we go, or what we do- always and forever.
19. Cherie and Christina kept me alive during the roomate drama in Disney. Late night wine fests and 2am resort tours gave me some of my fondest Disney memories.
20. Katie M., as a new friend, has welcomed me to her life and I'm so blessed to know such a strong, inspiring woman.
21. Ben- the constant in my life. The one who loves me, control-freak-crying-to-laughing-in-14-seconds-flat-emotionally-deep-feeler-best-friend-love and all. I would not be who I am withouth him and all we've been through. I used to pray, even beg God, for finding a Prince, a Knight in Shining Armor- now I'm living it. And I promise, there's hope for ALL of us... he reminds me constantly NOT TO SETTLE for less than amazing.

I know that I have so many more AMAZING FRIENDS and I will most likely need to make an addendum post as more come to mind. But to those of you listed,
I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE FOR ME.

I'm so over this...

I'm sick of school. I'm over papers.
I know I only have, like, 4.5 weeks left.
It still sucks; I'm blurred by the word vomit that is the papers and essays I've been coming up with.

AHHHHHHH. Blah blah blah.

I love my life. Actually, I really do.
I just hate Roosevelt University.
Torturous, bitter Roosevelt.
How dare you allow me to take 18 credits at one time.

Oh wait...
Shoot.

Here we go.

Tomorrow night.
Tuesday, November 1st.
Starts at 10:30pm central time.
NBC.
Jay Leno.
The Tonight Show.
Ben Greeno.
The love of my life.
The Redwalls.

It's starting, people.
Bring it on.

Tagged... Idiot.

And now I've been tagged by Mr. Drew Brown... so y'all can deal with it... especially those who are gonna be tagged by ME :-) Hehehehehe

20 Random Things about Anna

1) My middle name is May and it's a family name.
2) The first thing my Dad said when I was born is, "She looks like my Mom and Sister!" Welcome, little one, welcome.
3) My dog's name, Skooge, was found in the phone book.
4) I was on Cheerleading in High School because I promised a friend I'd try out just to help her. I made it. She didn't. Oops.
5) I was a Top-All American Pom in high school which is actually a really big honor and kinda hard to achieve.
6) I dance for the Adrenaline Rush (Chicago Rush Arena Football) and used to be LuvaBull (Chicago Bulls).
7) I'm totally procrastinating on my Stats homework by doing this survey.
8) I have a lustful relationship with caramel apples.
9) I have an unhealthy obsession with Disney World because I worked there.
10) Sometimes I feel like I peaked at 22, and am worried about cool things I'll do in the future.
11) I can't wait to get married and be a Mom.
12) I like bump and grind muuuusic. I love to blast it in my car, especially when I'm alone.
13) I'm somewhat self conscious more than I probably should be.
14) Benjamin Thomas Greeno is my favorite person, an amazing musician, and my bestest friend ever. I love him so, so much.
15) I'm deathly allergic to cats and break out in hives if I even touch someone who has even a little cat hair on their person.
16) I'm an executive assistant to the wife of the President of Channel Two... say that 5 times fast.
17) I'm obsessed with little kids; I think they are fascinating and brilliant and worth every moment of time and every inch of their needs. If we as humans have nothing else in common, EVERYONE has been a child at one point... that's pretty powerful.
18) I was really stupid with $$ in college and am in a pretty stupid amount of debt because of it.
19) My parents are hilarious and still have sex. Strangely enough, I'm proud of that because it means there's hope for old people. Not that my parents are old, and not that I want to know WHEN they have sex, it's just inspiring.
20) I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get shite for that last comment.

I TAG...
K*Jacks, C*Dawg, Eve, Katie, and LIZard

Insecure.

That word bothers me. Insecure. Shouldn't it mean we are IN SECURITY? Like, it security surrounds us?

Well, I certainly know I'M not feeling very surrounded.

Why do we get depressed when we are sick? I lose track of my normal schedule, I fall behind, and then I feel like I'm never going to catch up. I'm quick to become emotional and therefore quick to be offended or worse, offend. I miss my friends terribly, feel like a horrible friend for not staying in touch better with those whom I love dearly, and yet again am stressed because 'staying in touch' is one more thing I am definitely NOT on top of.

Screw Statistics homework... I need a nap. Oh wait, I took one and felt guilty because I'm so far behind on everything.

Tears overwhelm those whom I need hugs from the most. How do I explain I'm insecure because I know I'm acting insecure even though I'm pretty sure I'm not insecure most of the time, but fear and insecurity still lurk into my everyday? Does that even make sense?

And when, oh when, do I stop living in fear of the past? When do things stop triggering a fear that was instilled in me previously, even though there is no grounds for that fear now other than the memory of it? Is it fair to hold someone accountable for pain they caused even though they would drop the world for you now? Is if fair to still be scared?

I love my tears. I don't think I over-react. At least not most of the time.

Every single muscle in my body aches from last Saturday. I have projects to do, midterms to study for, clothes to clean, friends to call.

All I want to do now is sleep.

Caught Off Guard...

That's how I felt Saturday afternoon as I walked into Katie's house... perhaps it was because I'd never officially met her or her kids, or maybe it was that I'd never been to their home. But as I walked in, Katie's smiling face took my breath away as I saw a piece of Laurie in her... seconds later I noticed on all the wonderful "Sister" pics ontop of her TV... about a dozen pics of Laurie, Katie, Kristin, and Mrs. Barb. It was the first time I'd really SEEN Laurie since the funeral. I have pics here and there but (wonderfully) Katie's house was overflowing.
I wanted to say something, "Oh my gosh, you look like her!" or, "I love all the Laurie pictures", but nothing came out. And then Princess Maya walked over in her Belle shirt and Tu-Tu and said, "You're the princess, I want to see your pictures." Her precious little round face lit up just like her Aunt's used to as I tried to explain that, no, I don't actually LIVE in Disney World still... but I used to:) Eventually she figured out (after covering up the wig in the picture so you could only see my face) that I was in fact friends with Cinderella; we were so close, in fact, that she let me wear her ball gown when I lived in Florida :-)
Precious little Isaiah toddled over and just looked at me, then walked away. A few seconds later I was entertained with his new, "Mommy you're incredible" which sounded more like, "Moma u incwedible". Priceless.
And Denver, with all the excitement a 7 year old can muster explained that we'd be watching "The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl" later on, but first we should play some games.

The evening was so fun. Yes, a spinning chair flew out from under Maya and she got a fantastic bump (and Denver helped by grabbing a block of frozen cheese for her head!), yes we somehow managed to eat an entire bag of baby carrots between the 4 of us, yes we played soccer outside and Denver threatened to run away when we had to come in, and yes, we had a pajama pizza party while watching our movie; Isaiah DID fall asleep in his high chair while watching the movie (how can that be comfortable?), and yes, they actually went to bed (or at least upstairs) with little fuss... but what took my breath away, what stopped my heart were two things...

1. Maya caught me basically staring at a pic of Laurie and said, "That's Munch. She died because she wanted to, but she loves us very much. She's an angel now and she's in Heaven with God and her Daddy. She has no more body, just her spirit. It's not that she didn't love us, she just had to die." She looked at me to see if I comprehended and I said, "I know, Maya, Laurie was one of my friends, too" No words, no tears, she just ran into my arms and let me hug her.
2. I was praying in bed with Denver and Maya. I started out and then asked Denver and Maya to each pray. Maya prayed, "Dear God, take care of Munch because I miss her but you are her Dad now so help her be an angel tonight and give me good dreams." >insert lump in my throat< Denver continued, "Thank you for Anna because she played with us like Munch did and take care of Munch in Heaven for us." I hugged them goodnight, went and sat in the bathroom and for the first time in awhile, had a good cry...

Katie plays more fairer than Dreeeew!!!

Even though this is a weird game, I appreciate the gesture of inclusion from Katie.
I expected more from Drew.
Never the less, here is how the game goes:

THE RULES: List five songs that you are currently loving. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog. Then tag five other friends to see what they're listening to.

1. Held (Natalie Grant)- can't listen to it without crying yet feeling a sense of strength... like I survived (I think that's the point).
2. My Hump (Black Eyed Peas)- sad but true.
3. Love Her (The Redwalls)- duh. I love my man and his work.
4. Cannon in D (Pachebel)- all time favorite, and currently on repeat in my room stereo.
5. Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend (Marilyn Monroe)- it's my ringtone, and I still smile everytime someone calls:)

Ok now...

Drew (ha! that's for leaving me out)
Kristen Jack (welcome to the wonderful world reading my blogs:)
Jen Hayward (because I KNOW you just started your very own blog!)
Ben (because I'm mean like that)
Lizzard Lex (you need to update more often. Let me assist you in finding a new topic... wha... OH! Here you go!)

You're it!

I Want Comments!!!

Ok so I know this is an online "journal" and if it were on paper, I highly doubt anyone would snatch it away and write comments on it, but now I have an actual question I want people to respond to.

So...

When you do decide enough is enough? When you are brought to tears? When your stress level makes you a candidate for tranquilizers? When you've given someone a chance over and over and yet they still make the same mistake and refuse to see why maybe, just maybe, THEY are wrong? Or does it come when you've tried to explain yourself to a friend and they can't grasp the concept that you are extremely complex and just want someone who can know that and love you inspite of it, yet they feel the need to either judge or fix you?


Speak, people, speak. Good bloggers...

Hows about a Survey?

Two postings in one day?!?! I'm bored, people...


10 years ago I was:

In middle school with braces and lanky legs.
Obsessed with "I'll Make Love to You" by Boyz II Men
Determined to be popular


5 years ago I was:

A Senior in high school and on Poms, V.P. of Student Council, playing a lead in Crazy for You, and majorly crushing on Ben with little hope for a return obsession (or so I thought).
Super into Before Today (ha!!!) Matchbox 20, The Ataris, Get Up Kids, New Found Glory, the song Faded and good dance songs with naughty lyrics. :-)


1 year ago I was:

Starting at Roosevelt University.
Dancing for the Bulls i.e. being a LuvaBull, aka LuvaSlut
Dislocating my knee and tearing my LCL. Thanks LuvaBulls
Dating and consequently breaking up with Adam. Sorry friend.
Realizing I was still in love with Ben
Being won back by Ben. Damn straight.


Yesterday I:

Went to physical therapy, school and the chiropractor.
Spent way to much money on clothes at Express.
Did absolutely no homework whatsoever.
Finshed b-day shopping for Ben (his birthday is this Thursday the 6th, by the way. CALL HIM!!!!)
Filling out cap and gown forms for GRADUATION!!!


5 songs I know all the words to:

"At Last" by Etta James
"Lullaby" by my Daddy
"Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-Lot
"Love Her" by The Redwalls
"Held" by Natalie Grant


5 things I would do with 100 million dollars:

Buy my parents and Ry a house/addition, cars, and new clothes :-)
Donate a sh*tload to charities and churches
Get super-cool house that is new but looks like it's from the early 1900's (big with lots of rooms and staircases)
Adopt an internation child Angelina Jolie-style
Get lifetime season tix/a box to every major Chi-town sports team


5 places I would run away to:

Disney World
Palmer's House
New York
California
England


5 things I would never wear:

Super super huge bell-bottoms
MY personal underware on the outside of my clothing
Chainmail
A corset
Toe Socks (at least not anymore. Poor separated toes.)


5 favorite TV shows:

CSI: Las Vegas
Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica
The Simpsons
Lost
Grey's Anatomy


5 bad habits:

Twirling my hair
Junk Food
Giving my opinion before it's been asked of me
Being defensive
Forgetting to call people back


5 biggest joys:

Adorable little kids
Caramel Apples
Being surrounded by friends and family
Skooge falling asleep on my bed
DISNEY WORLD/Being Cinderella in SpectroMagic. Tear...


5 fictional characters I would date:

Jake Ryan from "Sixteen Candles" (Michael Schoeffling)
Oliver from "A Lot Like Love" (Ashton Kutcher)
Prince Phillip or Prince Charming from "Sleeping Beauty" and "Cinderella" (Bill Shirley and William Phipps- voices)
Noah Calhoun from "The Notebook" (Ryan Goesling)
Harry Potter from "The Goblet of Fire" (Daniel Radcliffe... so what if he's younger, he's frickin' adorable)


That about wraps it up, folks.

Things I Lust That Have to do with Fall

1. Caramel Apples
2. Apple Cider
3. Halloween Decs- not witches and ghosts, but pumpkins, bales of hay, scarecrows, etc.
4. Apple Picking
5. Pumpkin Farms
6. Changing color of leaves and walks at Crabtree Nature Center
7. Cool weather
8. Cinderella being released on DVD!!!!!
9. Fall T.V. series kick-offs
10. Fall clothing sales
11. Caramel Apples
12. Trick-or-Treating little kids, especially the ones in strollers and huge, cute costumes their Mom's forced them in. So cute.
13. FOOTBALL
14. HOCKEY
15. Ben Greeno
16. Apple Pie
17. Pumpkin Spice and Caramel Apple Candles from White Barn Candle Co.
18. The beginnings of Christmas decs coming out (somewhat early if I may say; never the less, cheerful)
19. THANKSGIVING
20. Chicago from now until Christmas (but I'll post on Christmas Lustings later)

Finding Our Way...

I graduate in December.
- I'm not sure where I'll work and I'll thank you for not looking at me funny because you think I'm not prepared.
I can't wait to get married and eventually start a family.
- Thanks for not giving a sympathetic nod and thinking, "Ok, but what do you REALLY want to do?"
I WILL write a book someday about educating teachers and Promiseland type leaders alike to minister to 'the difficult kids'.
- And don't say, "Oh, look, you're following in your Dad's footsteps!" Hmph, yeah, but I don't pretend to be Church Lady, do I? I'm making MY OWN footsteps.
I want to start a business that trains child care centers, churches and one day SCHOOLS to help their 'difficult kids'.
- Yes, I will be a female entrepreneur, and I'll be a frickin' good one at that.
I think I might either go to Law School and study Child and Family Law, or get my Master's in Clinical Therapy, a.k.a. helping
little ones and their 'rents.
- Haha, damn straight I want to go to law school, you read that right...
I want to dance at least one more time for a professional sports team, Broadway show, or music video.
- I DID learn a lesson with Luvabulls, but nobody dare say, "Didn't you learn YOUR lesson?" HA! That was one of the hardest
things I did (quitting), and you'd better believe I learned A lesson...
I want a purse dog.
- Get over it :-)
I want everyone to see ME for ME: my love for others; my healthy obsession with Disney World and caramel apples; my sense of humor; my fragileness; my understated awkwardness; my eloquent speaking style (when I choose to engage it!); my love for sleeping in one day a week; my commitment to things and people I adore; my interesting way of being over-committed yet normally being ok with that; my desire to do to good for and love others any and all the time; my obsession with caramel macchiatos and shaken passion iced tea from Starbucks; my pretended hatred for school even though I've realized I don't really mind it; my loooove for gerbera daisies; my love for the girls in my small group!; my allegiance and committment to (and, truly, obsession with) the kids in the Friday HG; my love for presents, really, of any kind; my love for my FAMILY- our sarcasms, our humor, our undying passion and allegiance for one another, our Dad being the #1 leader and protector and Mom being the coolest friend and mediator, and Ryan being brave enough to go to frickin' France for a semeter and SKOOGE! being the most human stuffed animal dog on the face of the planet- and finally, my love for God and the life He's given me; it may be unconventional, unprecedented, typical, and even immature... but I'm grateful and in awe and reverent and humbled that I'd be so blessed...

I want others to know that about me and to know that I pray for that for them.

Tears of the Eyes...

I wonder why tears come so easily to me. I never feel like I waste them. I just feel so deeply so easily. Yet I end up feeling guilty when those tears overwhelm someone else- or maybe worse- myself...

Am I wrong?
Am I annoying?
Is it wrong for me to be sad about something I know hurts someone else just as much (if not more)?
Do I deserve to be taken seriously?

Argh. Emotions are so weird.

I am the luckiest...

9th row directly behind home plate...
Watching part of the game from the WGN press box just before the 7th Inning Stretch...
Seeing the love of my life in lights start it off... "Ah one, ah two, ah three..." and then actually singing with the other three guys...
And then they go and win...
It's good to be a Rock Star's girlfriend...

"I don't get many things right the first time
in fact, I am told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong turns,
the stumbles and falls brought me here.
And where was I before the day
that I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it every day...
And I know that
I am
I am
I am the luckiest..."

Huge

Tonight my emotions were very big for something that, in hindsight, was really quite small.
I felt out of control and icky and all I wanted to do was cry. I did. It felt nice.
I've been working so hard on taking things in stride, being sensitive to all sides to something, and working on 'playing fair' when it comes to differences in ideas or perceptions.
I wasn't in the mood for any of that 'good person' shit tonight.
I enjoyed being frustrated and flustered. I enjoyed not thinking about what the frustration really rooted from. Ok, actually I did but I genuinely enjoy figuring out the deeper reason why things irk me and so I eventually allowed myself to talk that through.
I enjoyed being payed attention to by my parents and pseudo-Grandma.
I liked my little outburst, thank you very much.
And now I'm ready to be done with it.

Angry

I had some horrible dreams last night. Others may not see them as horrible, but they twisted me and that knot was not soothed until, in my full alertedness... I wept.

My Dreams (abb. version):

1. For some reason a doctor went in to tie my tubes and ended up taking out my entire uterus and ovaries. I was still 22 in the dream- why the HELL would I want that done? I begged the doctor to find a way to fix it but he just walked away.

2. I babysit for the children of the members of my parents house group every Friday while they share community and Bible study. I WOULD DIE FOR THESE CHILDREN. I love them, I adore them, I manage them:) They share the affection in return and I can not imagine my life with out my "Friday Night Kids". In my dream, I showed up one night and there were 3 other babysitters there. They made us split the kids up and split the $$. I was devastated.

Why I Think They Wrecked Me:

1. My womanliness and deep yearning for children lies in my 'female organs'. For someone to take that away unjustly and for no reason devastated me. Kinda like Laurie (who took her own life), my Grandma (who died within 6 weeks of finding she had brain cancer); I remember friends who've given themselves to men, sometimes in desperation to be loved and later felt stripped of their precious 'self' that should only be shared with one person. I mourn my own female relational losses as well as that of women who've been stripped of theirs as well...

2. On a small note, I make a very generous amount of $$ when I babysit those kids and I consider it a blessing in part of my weekly earnings. To loose that would be like losing a second part time job. But on a MUCH MUCH bigger scale, I was terrified of being replaced and losing something I'm so passionate about- the adults (who are like the extended family I never had) and THE KIDS. It made me realize I still have some much deeper issues of the heart from when I stopped working with the dance team I coached. I felt such a deep sense of rejection for such foul and even blatantly untrue reasons, and was stripped of doing something I WAS SO PASSIONATE about with young women I would have done anything for. It brought me back to that twisted time in high school when you were the most popular kid in school and the next day (because of an untrue rumor) everyone hated you. That PIT that so many girls live in- I've been stuck in that and hadn't really been able to figure out why. I've been justified time and time again that how things went down with the team were, literally, unbelievable; that I must have really loved what I did to even stick around as long as I did. I just so desperately want to teach young women that I'm in contact with (the girls in my Impact small group, esp.) that it's NOT ok to give up on someone, to think you can shut someone out rudely and without a 'fair trial'.

I want to refuse to give up on learning how to do this- processing, dreaming, crying, exploring- I want to release the control, really of anything, I seem to try and grasp so tightly. I want to feel the same passion I do for little kids, good friends and family, Ben... and God... to transcend normal relational boundaries.

I want to be ok where I am RIGHT NOW.

Disney World...

... is my happy place. It's where all, literally ALL of my childhood dreams came true. I sometimes feel like nothing can ever top being Cinderella. I know something, many things, will. But at 1:30am when my mind is restless and I keep doing the dances from parades I was in or relive each and every Spectromagic light parade I waved from the pumpkin carriage; I talk in my sleep in Mary Poppins' accent sometimes, and tell Pinocchio he's a real boy, just like I did when I was the Blue Fairy. I don't so much dream of being Snow White's Evil Stepmother, but she was such a bad ass to do in the "Globe" parade; Being Belle in France at Epcot rocked... and I remember when a bunch of my friends came to visit me at Ariel's Grotto when I donned the purple shells... The first time I put on the Pluto costume I felt like a stuffed animal, but all the sweat and passing out and disgusting sweat was worth it when a 1 year old toddled up to me and said, "PUTO" as her first word. Seriously. I cried... well, it might have been sweat but the emotions were there... :) Every kid I smiled with, every baby I held, every autograph I signed... I would not trade it in for anything, nor can anything ever take its place in my heart. It is mine... it did it for myself, by myself and it shaped the way I look at true blessings that only God can give. I love that place...
I remember that my Grandma's and parent's in Disney was the last time I ever saw my Mom's Mom healthy; the fact that at 72 years old she'd never been there- she fell in love with Chip and Dale, made me cry when we saw eachother during Spectromagic (me as Cindy, her as Grandma watching her Granddaughter be Cindy), and made me laugh hysterically when we went on "Dinosaur" in Animal Kingdom. The last and greatest memory I have of her... I'll take it.

La la la...

Today we sang "Let My Words Be Few" in NewC. Tears immediately welled up in my eyes, which I closed out of fear... I guess I thought I could hide from my thoughts. But all I could hear was Aaron Neiq, choked up, trying to sing; all I could see were Mr. and Mrs. K., sobbing from the core of their being, stand up when the words said, "And I stand in Awe of You..."

I had a vibrant memory at that moment, too. We were at Impact, in the old auditorium, and a few of us had hung around after the service. Laurie was towards the back, playing hide and seek with Steck's little sister. "Where could she be? Where is that precious little angel??? (giggle, giggle, giggle) Where aaare you?"... and baby Steck shouted, "Laurie! I'm right here!!!! Swing me around!" She joyfully picked her up and looked at me, mouthing, 'She's awesome!'. I gave a huge smile and mouthed back, 'So are you, hottie!' and she said, "No youuuuuu are!"...

So I'll let my words be few.
Jesus we are still in Love with You...

18 credit hours later...

... I graduated. Well, theoretically. I have one more semester left. One. That's it. Done. Graduated. After Psychology of Women, Behavior Disorders in Children, Research Methods, Psychology Stats, Writing for Social Sciences, and Child Social Skills training I'll be done. Heh. If I'm still alive.

I like my profile pic...

Yep. I do. It makes me happy. It reminds me of amazing times.
I think (and know that I'll probably get yelled at) that New Orleans should become the next Atlantis. I'm serious. Leave it as a lake and rebuild somewhere else. Thinking of how much money it's going to cost to rebuild, with the knowledge that it could easily happen again... why rebuild "Sin City, Jr." Allow these people to start their new lives NOW...
I'm going to be bold and say, "This reminds me of Noah, of the original flood." Maybe there's a reason... not for the suffering, not for the chaos, but maybe we should all get a clue.
Now, seriously, I have an amazing friend who lived in Baton Rouge, someone who looooooves Louisiana... and she never wants to go back. SHE wants it to stay a lake. We need to relocate them, allow them to start new lives... why bring them back to a state of nothingness with the potential for recurrence? Seriously, this whole thing... the kids that are stuck at the Super Dome, the families that lost EVERYTHING... let them start over now, don't 'house' them in the Astrodome with no idea for the future. ARGHHHHHHH.
I'm just saying... my blog. My opinion.
The End.

Kansas City

This past weekend I road-tripped to Kansas City to see my amazing boyfriend before he heads to the West Coast for the last leg of this tour. It was super. It was amazing. I love him so much. I love doing life with him.
It's so weird to look back on the year thus far. He's been gone for so much of the year, yet I'd never change our lives for a million bucks... ok, I'd love to see him more but this year has been amazing. Hard. Unbelievably hard. But life altering in a way I wouldn't want to change. I've grown. I've ached. I've been in a ball on my bedroom floor wanting nothing more than for whatever I was dealing with at that moment to END.
But my life is richer. Not like 'wealth' rich... like dark chocolate rich. Bitter, deep, sweet, thick... rich.
And for that, I am thankful.

Just Me

I don't think ever I realized how seriously I'm struggling with needing to be good enough, feeling like my lovableness or coolness level has to do with whatever 'cool' thing I'm doing at any given moment. I was the shit in high school when I was President of Student Council and one of the best Poms. I had a bunch of lead roles in musicals in college, and then was admired when I was Cinderella in DIsney World, and even though coming home sucked, I became cool again when I was a Luvabull. But now that I'm not a Luvabull, I must not have any 'worth' because I'm not doing anything other than finishing school.
I was reading my report card from 2nd and 3rd grade last night and the comments that were recurrent said, "Anna interacts with others well, and is well liked by her peers. She is extremely bright and picks things up quickly, but if something doesn't come as quickly as she's used to, she tends to give up easily. She will stop listening mid-direction, thinking she already knows how to do it." Whoa. Wake up call from 1989.
Seriously, though, I wonder how many 'overachievers' feel the same way I do? I realize that I enjoy living by really high standards, but that's not always a good thing. I hurt those I love by expecting too much out of them, and set myself up for disappointment because I can never seem to please anyone, even myself.
Why do I do that? Part of it, I believe, is not a bad thing. I love setting high goals because I know I can reach them and it's extremely fulfilling. But how can I just be happy with today? How can I learn to not judge myself as "successful" based on who I've danced for or how many Disney Princessess I've been?
The hardest part is when I fail (or, in reality, act human), I feel like crap. I think I suck, or I think I'll never be good enough. How silly is that?!?!?! Quite. But I just can't seem to stop doing it.
However, these are all recent insights and my prayer is that my newfound awareness for this 'inner struggle' will allow me to go easy on myself and those around me. I desire to be pleased with each day I'm given, and not always wish for tomorrow. I want to be blessed by my accomplishments, not worried about the next thing I need to achieve. I want to love myself in my own skin rather than feel icky because I don't look like I did when I was a professional dancer. I want to see me the way God sees me, cliche as that may sound.
I just want to be ok with me.

Ways to Love Yourself More

1. Hug a dog. You will realize that the simple act of embracing a different species may give you a new understanding and appreciation for your own.
2. Watch Conan O'Brien. The laughter you will experience will get your endorphins flowing and... "Endorphins make you happy, and happy people just don't go around killing others!" (Guess that movie and you may win a prize.)
3. Make your bed. You'll feel successful, like you achieved something and there is order in your life.
4. Read a book. It will allow your mind to explore itself, and in doing so, you may appreciate yourself more.
5. Kiss. Preferably not a stranger, although... never mind.
6. Hug yourself. Self explainatory.
7. Stand in front of a mirror and point out all of your good features instead of dwelling on those you don't like. This may not do as much for the men, but do it anyway.
8. Do a few pus-ups or sit-ups everyday. You did something for your health, way to go!
9. Ask friends to encourage you at least once a week. We all need a little reminder here or there.
10. Pray. When you respect yourself enough to know you can't do it alone, that is when you can allow God to truly embrace you. And guess what? He made you, so He kinda likes you. And you should therefor like yourself. Haha, cliche but true.

Time to Get Real

I dream of being a wife and mother.
I dream of being involved in my community, serving at my church and being the "Kool-Aid" mom for my kids.
I dream of helping families with their kids, kind of like a real-life, hire-able "Super Nanny".
I dream of getting to dress up in fancy clothes at least once a year for something that requires dressing up in fancy clothes.
I dream of doing a missionary trip with my husband and children (when I get them!).
I dream of having a constant circle of friends who know and love eachother.
I dream of having a "purse dog"... yes, I want a dog I can fit in a purse...
I dream of living with no regrets, just lessons learned from mistakes along the way.
I dream of living a life I'll be proud of...

God, the maker of dreams, the giver of life... dream a little dream for me today, ok?

I guess I do...

As you can tell from my previous post, I can't even get the post to show up under the title. Is there an easier to make links than having to do the whole 'computer language' thing under template's? It's soooo long! There has to be an easier way...

I think I suck at Computer Programming

My Gray Matters

I'm revolting against Xanga. Blog's just look cooler. And they are less stupid. Start commenting, biatches:)