I wonder why tears come so easily to me. I never feel like I waste them. I just feel so deeply so easily. Yet I end up feeling guilty when those tears overwhelm someone else- or maybe worse- myself...
Am I wrong?
Am I annoying?
Is it wrong for me to be sad about something I know hurts someone else just as much (if not more)?
Do I deserve to be taken seriously?
Argh. Emotions are so weird.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
I am the luckiest...
9th row directly behind home plate...
Watching part of the game from the WGN press box just before the 7th Inning Stretch...
Seeing the love of my life in lights start it off... "Ah one, ah two, ah three..." and then actually singing with the other three guys...
And then they go and win...
It's good to be a Rock Star's girlfriend...
"I don't get many things right the first time
in fact, I am told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong turns,
the stumbles and falls brought me here.
And where was I before the day
that I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it every day...
And I know that
I am
I am
I am the luckiest..."
Watching part of the game from the WGN press box just before the 7th Inning Stretch...
Seeing the love of my life in lights start it off... "Ah one, ah two, ah three..." and then actually singing with the other three guys...
And then they go and win...
It's good to be a Rock Star's girlfriend...
"I don't get many things right the first time
in fact, I am told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong turns,
the stumbles and falls brought me here.
And where was I before the day
that I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it every day...
And I know that
I am
I am
I am the luckiest..."
Friday, September 23, 2005
Huge
Tonight my emotions were very big for something that, in hindsight, was really quite small.
I felt out of control and icky and all I wanted to do was cry. I did. It felt nice.
I've been working so hard on taking things in stride, being sensitive to all sides to something, and working on 'playing fair' when it comes to differences in ideas or perceptions.
I wasn't in the mood for any of that 'good person' shit tonight.
I enjoyed being frustrated and flustered. I enjoyed not thinking about what the frustration really rooted from. Ok, actually I did but I genuinely enjoy figuring out the deeper reason why things irk me and so I eventually allowed myself to talk that through.
I enjoyed being payed attention to by my parents and pseudo-Grandma.
I liked my little outburst, thank you very much.
And now I'm ready to be done with it.
I felt out of control and icky and all I wanted to do was cry. I did. It felt nice.
I've been working so hard on taking things in stride, being sensitive to all sides to something, and working on 'playing fair' when it comes to differences in ideas or perceptions.
I wasn't in the mood for any of that 'good person' shit tonight.
I enjoyed being frustrated and flustered. I enjoyed not thinking about what the frustration really rooted from. Ok, actually I did but I genuinely enjoy figuring out the deeper reason why things irk me and so I eventually allowed myself to talk that through.
I enjoyed being payed attention to by my parents and pseudo-Grandma.
I liked my little outburst, thank you very much.
And now I'm ready to be done with it.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Angry
I had some horrible dreams last night. Others may not see them as horrible, but they twisted me and that knot was not soothed until, in my full alertedness... I wept.
My Dreams (abb. version):
1. For some reason a doctor went in to tie my tubes and ended up taking out my entire uterus and ovaries. I was still 22 in the dream- why the HELL would I want that done? I begged the doctor to find a way to fix it but he just walked away.
2. I babysit for the children of the members of my parents house group every Friday while they share community and Bible study. I WOULD DIE FOR THESE CHILDREN. I love them, I adore them, I manage them:) They share the affection in return and I can not imagine my life with out my "Friday Night Kids". In my dream, I showed up one night and there were 3 other babysitters there. They made us split the kids up and split the $$. I was devastated.
Why I Think They Wrecked Me:
1. My womanliness and deep yearning for children lies in my 'female organs'. For someone to take that away unjustly and for no reason devastated me. Kinda like Laurie (who took her own life), my Grandma (who died within 6 weeks of finding she had brain cancer); I remember friends who've given themselves to men, sometimes in desperation to be loved and later felt stripped of their precious 'self' that should only be shared with one person. I mourn my own female relational losses as well as that of women who've been stripped of theirs as well...
2. On a small note, I make a very generous amount of $$ when I babysit those kids and I consider it a blessing in part of my weekly earnings. To loose that would be like losing a second part time job. But on a MUCH MUCH bigger scale, I was terrified of being replaced and losing something I'm so passionate about- the adults (who are like the extended family I never had) and THE KIDS. It made me realize I still have some much deeper issues of the heart from when I stopped working with the dance team I coached. I felt such a deep sense of rejection for such foul and even blatantly untrue reasons, and was stripped of doing something I WAS SO PASSIONATE about with young women I would have done anything for. It brought me back to that twisted time in high school when you were the most popular kid in school and the next day (because of an untrue rumor) everyone hated you. That PIT that so many girls live in- I've been stuck in that and hadn't really been able to figure out why. I've been justified time and time again that how things went down with the team were, literally, unbelievable; that I must have really loved what I did to even stick around as long as I did. I just so desperately want to teach young women that I'm in contact with (the girls in my Impact small group, esp.) that it's NOT ok to give up on someone, to think you can shut someone out rudely and without a 'fair trial'.
I want to refuse to give up on learning how to do this- processing, dreaming, crying, exploring- I want to release the control, really of anything, I seem to try and grasp so tightly. I want to feel the same passion I do for little kids, good friends and family, Ben... and God... to transcend normal relational boundaries.
I want to be ok where I am RIGHT NOW.
My Dreams (abb. version):
1. For some reason a doctor went in to tie my tubes and ended up taking out my entire uterus and ovaries. I was still 22 in the dream- why the HELL would I want that done? I begged the doctor to find a way to fix it but he just walked away.
2. I babysit for the children of the members of my parents house group every Friday while they share community and Bible study. I WOULD DIE FOR THESE CHILDREN. I love them, I adore them, I manage them:) They share the affection in return and I can not imagine my life with out my "Friday Night Kids". In my dream, I showed up one night and there were 3 other babysitters there. They made us split the kids up and split the $$. I was devastated.
Why I Think They Wrecked Me:
1. My womanliness and deep yearning for children lies in my 'female organs'. For someone to take that away unjustly and for no reason devastated me. Kinda like Laurie (who took her own life), my Grandma (who died within 6 weeks of finding she had brain cancer); I remember friends who've given themselves to men, sometimes in desperation to be loved and later felt stripped of their precious 'self' that should only be shared with one person. I mourn my own female relational losses as well as that of women who've been stripped of theirs as well...
2. On a small note, I make a very generous amount of $$ when I babysit those kids and I consider it a blessing in part of my weekly earnings. To loose that would be like losing a second part time job. But on a MUCH MUCH bigger scale, I was terrified of being replaced and losing something I'm so passionate about- the adults (who are like the extended family I never had) and THE KIDS. It made me realize I still have some much deeper issues of the heart from when I stopped working with the dance team I coached. I felt such a deep sense of rejection for such foul and even blatantly untrue reasons, and was stripped of doing something I WAS SO PASSIONATE about with young women I would have done anything for. It brought me back to that twisted time in high school when you were the most popular kid in school and the next day (because of an untrue rumor) everyone hated you. That PIT that so many girls live in- I've been stuck in that and hadn't really been able to figure out why. I've been justified time and time again that how things went down with the team were, literally, unbelievable; that I must have really loved what I did to even stick around as long as I did. I just so desperately want to teach young women that I'm in contact with (the girls in my Impact small group, esp.) that it's NOT ok to give up on someone, to think you can shut someone out rudely and without a 'fair trial'.
I want to refuse to give up on learning how to do this- processing, dreaming, crying, exploring- I want to release the control, really of anything, I seem to try and grasp so tightly. I want to feel the same passion I do for little kids, good friends and family, Ben... and God... to transcend normal relational boundaries.
I want to be ok where I am RIGHT NOW.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Disney World...
... is my happy place. It's where all, literally ALL of my childhood dreams came true. I sometimes feel like nothing can ever top being Cinderella. I know something, many things, will. But at 1:30am when my mind is restless and I keep doing the dances from parades I was in or relive each and every Spectromagic light parade I waved from the pumpkin carriage; I talk in my sleep in Mary Poppins' accent sometimes, and tell Pinocchio he's a real boy, just like I did when I was the Blue Fairy. I don't so much dream of being Snow White's Evil Stepmother, but she was such a bad ass to do in the "Globe" parade; Being Belle in France at Epcot rocked... and I remember when a bunch of my friends came to visit me at Ariel's Grotto when I donned the purple shells... The first time I put on the Pluto costume I felt like a stuffed animal, but all the sweat and passing out and disgusting sweat was worth it when a 1 year old toddled up to me and said, "PUTO" as her first word. Seriously. I cried... well, it might have been sweat but the emotions were there... :) Every kid I smiled with, every baby I held, every autograph I signed... I would not trade it in for anything, nor can anything ever take its place in my heart. It is mine... it did it for myself, by myself and it shaped the way I look at true blessings that only God can give. I love that place...
I remember that my Grandma's and parent's in Disney was the last time I ever saw my Mom's Mom healthy; the fact that at 72 years old she'd never been there- she fell in love with Chip and Dale, made me cry when we saw eachother during Spectromagic (me as Cindy, her as Grandma watching her Granddaughter be Cindy), and made me laugh hysterically when we went on "Dinosaur" in Animal Kingdom. The last and greatest memory I have of her... I'll take it.
I remember that my Grandma's and parent's in Disney was the last time I ever saw my Mom's Mom healthy; the fact that at 72 years old she'd never been there- she fell in love with Chip and Dale, made me cry when we saw eachother during Spectromagic (me as Cindy, her as Grandma watching her Granddaughter be Cindy), and made me laugh hysterically when we went on "Dinosaur" in Animal Kingdom. The last and greatest memory I have of her... I'll take it.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
La la la...
Today we sang "Let My Words Be Few" in NewC. Tears immediately welled up in my eyes, which I closed out of fear... I guess I thought I could hide from my thoughts. But all I could hear was Aaron Neiq, choked up, trying to sing; all I could see were Mr. and Mrs. K., sobbing from the core of their being, stand up when the words said, "And I stand in Awe of You..."
I had a vibrant memory at that moment, too. We were at Impact, in the old auditorium, and a few of us had hung around after the service. Laurie was towards the back, playing hide and seek with Steck's little sister. "Where could she be? Where is that precious little angel??? (giggle, giggle, giggle) Where aaare you?"... and baby Steck shouted, "Laurie! I'm right here!!!! Swing me around!" She joyfully picked her up and looked at me, mouthing, 'She's awesome!'. I gave a huge smile and mouthed back, 'So are you, hottie!' and she said, "No youuuuuu are!"...
So I'll let my words be few.
Jesus we are still in Love with You...
I had a vibrant memory at that moment, too. We were at Impact, in the old auditorium, and a few of us had hung around after the service. Laurie was towards the back, playing hide and seek with Steck's little sister. "Where could she be? Where is that precious little angel??? (giggle, giggle, giggle) Where aaare you?"... and baby Steck shouted, "Laurie! I'm right here!!!! Swing me around!" She joyfully picked her up and looked at me, mouthing, 'She's awesome!'. I gave a huge smile and mouthed back, 'So are you, hottie!' and she said, "No youuuuuu are!"...
So I'll let my words be few.
Jesus we are still in Love with You...
18 credit hours later...
... I graduated. Well, theoretically. I have one more semester left. One. That's it. Done. Graduated. After Psychology of Women, Behavior Disorders in Children, Research Methods, Psychology Stats, Writing for Social Sciences, and Child Social Skills training I'll be done. Heh. If I'm still alive.
Friday, September 02, 2005
I like my profile pic...
Yep. I do. It makes me happy. It reminds me of amazing times.
I think (and know that I'll probably get yelled at) that New Orleans should become the next Atlantis. I'm serious. Leave it as a lake and rebuild somewhere else. Thinking of how much money it's going to cost to rebuild, with the knowledge that it could easily happen again... why rebuild "Sin City, Jr." Allow these people to start their new lives NOW...
I'm going to be bold and say, "This reminds me of Noah, of the original flood." Maybe there's a reason... not for the suffering, not for the chaos, but maybe we should all get a clue.
Now, seriously, I have an amazing friend who lived in Baton Rouge, someone who looooooves Louisiana... and she never wants to go back. SHE wants it to stay a lake. We need to relocate them, allow them to start new lives... why bring them back to a state of nothingness with the potential for recurrence? Seriously, this whole thing... the kids that are stuck at the Super Dome, the families that lost EVERYTHING... let them start over now, don't 'house' them in the Astrodome with no idea for the future. ARGHHHHHHH.
I'm just saying... my blog. My opinion.
The End.
I think (and know that I'll probably get yelled at) that New Orleans should become the next Atlantis. I'm serious. Leave it as a lake and rebuild somewhere else. Thinking of how much money it's going to cost to rebuild, with the knowledge that it could easily happen again... why rebuild "Sin City, Jr." Allow these people to start their new lives NOW...
I'm going to be bold and say, "This reminds me of Noah, of the original flood." Maybe there's a reason... not for the suffering, not for the chaos, but maybe we should all get a clue.
Now, seriously, I have an amazing friend who lived in Baton Rouge, someone who looooooves Louisiana... and she never wants to go back. SHE wants it to stay a lake. We need to relocate them, allow them to start new lives... why bring them back to a state of nothingness with the potential for recurrence? Seriously, this whole thing... the kids that are stuck at the Super Dome, the families that lost EVERYTHING... let them start over now, don't 'house' them in the Astrodome with no idea for the future. ARGHHHHHHH.
I'm just saying... my blog. My opinion.
The End.
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